Chapter Four: Coffee Shop Guy

This next story is actually NOT about a guy I met online... We will call this one Ben. Ben the Barista - that's right, not only did I meet this guy in coffee shop, I met him behind the counter. Oddly enough, I actually had a crush on a different guy working in that particular establishment. I was a regular there, and I thought Ben was cute, but thought I liked this other guy a little more. I went in with a ploy to talk to him, chickened out, and somehow ended up with an offer from Ben to take me out instead. Since I lacked the confidence to make a move with the other one, I said yes - and besides, I really did think Ben was pretty cute too, so it wasn't a total loss. Or so I thought.

I agreed to meet Ben at his place so we could walk to a bar within "stumbling distance" for drinks... Looking back, this might already have been a red flag, but I was pretty excited to FINALLY hang out with a guy from my favorite coffee shop after crushing on several of them over the years, so I overlooked it. When I got there, however, there were a few things that I could not overlook. In a matter of minutes, my exciting date with a mysterious coffee barista became something very different.

First, he decided that he would rather have drinks at his house than at the bar... Okay, I thought. That's fine, right? Maybe he just wants to be able to talk.

Second, he informed me that he lived with his parents (uh oh) and that they were incredibly religious, so we would have to drink outside. In the park.
So we'll be one with nature - what's wrong with that? I must have really liked this guy.

Third, he casually slipped his ex-wife into conversation. I didn't know he had been married, or even how old he was, though I finally asked and found out that he was 28.

RECAP: 28, wanted to drink in the park, lived with parents, divorced. Was also a little stoned.


Should I have run for the hills? Yes.  Did I? No.

We had a couple of glasses of wine, talked a little about his marriage and the coffee shop (his only source of income, hence the living at home) and then he proceeded to show me his "art." Some of it was pretty good, and some of it was naked ladies. The naked ladies were not necessarily my cup of tea, but to each his own right? We talked for a little bit more after that and then I finally went home, a little dazed that the evening had gone SO differently than I had pictured it. Needless to say, I did not hang out with Ben the Barista after that. He asked, but I said that I was looking for something more serious and didn't want to tie him down so soon in his newly single state... Somewhat true, although mostly I just couldn't really see us having a future together. Can you blame me?

Chapter Three: Tourette's Guy.

As I mentioned in my intro, a couple of years ago I decided to try one of those free internet dating sites. I had never done anything like that before so I wasn't really sure what to expect, but I wasn't meeting anyone anywhere else and a hairstylist at the salon where I'd worked had met her boyfriend on the same site so I figured I'd give it a shot. When I filled out my profile, I did my best to answer the questions in ways that showcased my sarcastic nature. I wanted to sound funny, witty, and smart, so that I would attract someone with the same qualities. Most of the people who started messaging me were very strange, but one day I got an IM from someone who seemed very intriguing. He'd picked up on an obscure movie quote that had been overlooked by all of my other suitors, so I figured maybe he was worth talking to. 

Since this was my first time meeting someone from the internet, I was a little wary, and we talked for a long time before that was even an option. We exchanged countless e-mails about books, movies, music - most of all, music. It was a passion we both shared, and he even made me a mix CD for an upcoming trip I was taking. After that I decided that he was not, in fact, a crazy person - I was very wrong, but we'll get to that.

On our first date we went to see I Love You Man (great movie by the way) and, during the movie, I remember hearing these very strange noises coming from the seat next to me. He wasn't saying words, and he wasn't singing along to the movie's soundtrack, although at first I thought maybe that's what it was. It was more like short bursts of humming. "Hm. Hmm hm. Hm hm hm." Kind of like that - whatever it was, it was bizarre and I had NO idea what was going on. That happened intermittently throughout the movie; it wasn't constant and it wasn't incredibly loud, but it was often enough and loud enough for me to notice, and to wonder what on earth I had gotten myself into. 

After the movie, we went to a coffee shop to have some tea and talk, and during a break in the conversation, the noises came back. I wasn't sure what to say or how to ask about what was happening, so I think I just said something like, "You make cute noises," even though I thought they were more strange than anything else... Whatever it was I said, his response was, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and when I shook my head to indicate that no, he had not told me, he continued with, "I have tourette's!" 

Not wanting to be the girl who doesn't want a date a guy because he has Tourette's Syndrome, I put on my biggest smile and asked him about it - I had only ever heard of the kind where people shout obscenities so it was honestly all really interesting to me. In fact, once I knew what it was, I was more at ease and still had a great time on the rest of the date. In the end, it was not the Tourette's that ended my brief courtship with Tyler. No, it was probably the fact that our second date ended with him asking me to split the tab or pick up the check (a $17 dollar bill, by the way, which I paid) at a restaurant HE had chosen. Or maybe it was because his idea of a "romantic" date was watching a movie on my laptop in his car. Or maybe it was the fact that he couldn't understand why I didn't want to drive up to his area (an hour north of me) to hang out with him when I'd already made plans in mine, just because HIS weekend had fallen apart. Or maybe it was the seven-text-message-long rant I received when I told him I wasn't sure if we'd work out, outlining every woman who had hurt him in his life, calling me a "vapid shell of a girl he used to know" when we only actually hung out for a couple of weeks. Yeah, that happened.


What are some of YOUR crazy dating stories? I'd love to know I'm not alone here.

Chapter Two: The Do's (and Do Not's) of a First Date

Before I get into any actual date stories, I thought I'd share a helpful list of rules based on some of the more eventful (good and bad) first dates I have experienced. This goes out to you BOYS out there, but will probably also be entertaining to girls who've had similar trials and tribulations to mine.

So, guys, when it comes to a first date...

*DO pay.

It sucks, it's a double standard, and it's probably pretty outdated, but the fact is that paying on a first date is the chivalrous thing to do. It shows your date that her time is worth the cost of a cup of coffee, a meal, whatever. She'll probably offer to pay or at least split, but in my opinion the gentlemanly thing to do is refuse this offer and take care of it yourself. It might sound harsh, but it's the truth! Ask your girlfriend.

**DO NOT show off.

While opinions may vary on this one, I personally do not like feeling as though the guy I'm dating is putting on a show for me. This includes incredibly pricy dinners, or taking me somewhere incredibly exclusive just so I can see that you're "on the list," or ordering in another language to show how cultured you are. While these things would all probably be fine on the second or third or fourth date, it feels like too much pressure to "measure up" if it's on the first. I don't want to spend the whole date worrying that I don't bring enough to the table! 

*DO open her doors.

This goes along with that first rule up there. It's just chivalrous and gentleman-like and shows your girl that you respect her and want to treat her like a lady. You do, right?! If so, then it doesn't hurt to open up a door or two. Yes, we can open them ourselves and yes, this is also an outdated ritual, but you'd be surprised at how much such a small gesture can affect a date. 

**DO NOT open her blouse.

Since we're going with the gentlemanly theme here, I just want to say that trying to get into someone's pants on the first date is not something that generally leads to a relationship. As tempting as it might be, a little self control goes a long way toward showing a girl that you're into more than what's under her clothes. 

*DO observe basic table manners.

So, remember that scene in Beauty and the Beast where they are sitting down to dinner and the beast is learning how to use silverware? If you've never seen it, it's not a pretty sight. I once had a date who held his spoon pretty similarly to our four-legged friend, basically shoveling his food into his mouth, and that wasn't a pretty sight either. Obviously some food is already messy, but as little mess as possible is ideal for the first date.

**DO NOT observe other women.

Pretty self explanatory, guys. And as smooth as you probably think you are about sneaking a peek at the waitress or the group of hotties at the next table, we notice. Really.

*DO talk and listen.

This one just means that you boys should be capable of a decent, two-sided conversation where both people are engaged and interested in what is being said. No one word answers, no painfully awkward silences, no rambling on and on about yourself and your dog and your ex and your mom and your fantasy football league without asking her a single detail about herself. 

**DO NOT talk incessantly about your last relationship.

While holding a decent conversation is important, it is equally important that said conversation is not dominated by talk of your past relationship(s). If a girl is given the impression that you are already thinking about another woman on the very first date, let alone someone you've been intimate with, that doesn't set a good tone for the rest of your courtship. 

*DO go for the kiss... on the cheek. 

Even though I have been guilty of kissing on most a few of the first dates where I've felt a connection, I have found that I am always more drawn to the dates where this does NOT happen, especially if I felt there was a mutual attraction. A kiss on the cheek is perfect because it signals interest, but still keeps things PG until the two of you get to know one another a little better. 

**DO NOT go for a second date if you know you're not interested.

 This is actually one of my most important rules. As much as it sucks not to hear from a guy after one date, it sucks a lot more after two, especially if I was interested. If you know for a fact that there's no connection, then just leave it at one date. Of course if you're not sure if you like someone and feel like you need another date to test the waters then by all means, test away, but sometimes you just know it's not going anywhere... And if that's the case, please don't act like it is!

...And there you have it, folks. There are probably a million more "rules" I could share with you, but those are a few of the big ones, for me anyway.

Have any do's/do not's to add? I'd love to hear them!