Chapter Six : "I really like you, BUT..."

Well it's been a while since I've posted, and that's not because I ran out of stories, as much as I was running out of time to sit and write them! But I decided to make a little time today, because there is something I need to get off of my chest.

Last night, after what I thought was a really great second date (third if you count our initial meeting since we talked all night then, too), this guy looks at me and says "I really like you," which I thought was really sweet, until he continued, "But I'm just not ready for a relationship." He then proceeded to text me on my drive home that I am awesome and deserve more of a commitment than he is ready to give me, among other things that I am sure were aimed to make me happy and okay with the curveball he had just thrown me, but instead they just made me more annoyed. While I am way more open to a committed relationship than I probably was in the past year or two, I don't understand why guys think that that is what every girl wants from date one. What happened to getting to know one another a little bit before putting any labels on it? What happened to testing the waters and trying it out before completely ruling out the possibility of anything serious ever occurring?

The funny thing is, this has happened to me twice now in the past three months. Another guy, the very FIRST time we ever hung out, said the same exact thing. "I really like you, but I am not really ready to date anyone." Both times were because of recent relationships ending, which I get, but if that's the case then why pursue me in the first place? Why ask me out, or talk to me all night, or do all of these things that point every piece of evidence to the contrary and then say you don't ever see yourself in a relationship with me? ESPECIALLY when I didn't even ask for one?

So in light of these recent events, this is some advice for you guys out there, provided there are any of you actually reading this:

If you just got out of a relationship, and you don't think you're ready to date, the answer is simple. DON'T. DATE. Or do date, but don't act like you're ready for something serious if you're not. Like I said, not every girl wants to be in a relationship right out of the gate - sometimes we just want to have fun and hang out casually, just like you! It's a hard concept to grasp, I know, but give it a try. I also know you have needs, or whatever, and that's fine, but please don't try to fulfill them by making it seem like you're ready for something you're not. And if you're not sure, then that's fine too, but maybe wait a few more dates before you drop a bombshell like that on someone who probably didn't want a committed relationship with you, yet, either.

Thanks in advance, boys, for following my excellent advice - and stay tuned for a story about the most socially awkward date I've ever been on, because that's what's coming up next!

Chapter Five : The Awkward Coffee Date Edition

So since the last post was about a terrible date with a coffee shop employee, I think there are a few things to be said about my awkward dates at the actual coffee shops. There are a few of them, and I think they speak for themselves, so without further adieu, I give you the stories of Weird Tattoo Guy, Mr. Flamboyant, and Sweatpants Guy.


Weird Tattoo Guy. The reason this guy was weird was not because he had tattoos... I actually really like them, usually. I have one, lots of my friends have one (or several), so that is not the issue here. The reason this guy was weird was the nature of his tattoos, where they were, and what he had to say about them. First off, this guy was a high school English teacher, and his most visible tattoos were two completely solid bands about an inch and a half thick around his forearms, very close to his wrists. Think of them like matching bracelets. Not the first tattoos I'd imagine a high school teacher to have, but okay! The weirdest part about it was that he complained about people always asking what they meant - that it was "personal" and he couldn't stand it that people couldn't just understand that and not ask all the time. This was the most heated he got about anything in our otherwise painfully awkward conversation... The thing is, I am all for people having tattoos with private meanings, but shouldn't they be kept in a place more private if that is the case? If you're wondering, I didn't ask what they meant... I was too scared he'd get upset with me, too!

Mr. Flamboyant. Ok, first of all, I have many gay friends. I love them, they are wonderful, and I would gladly hang out with any of them any day of the week. That said, when I go on a date with a guy, I'd kind of prefer it if he were attracted to my own personal gender, which is female if you haven't caught on to that little detail yet. So, when I went on my date with Mr. Flamboyant, I was a little surprised. At first I thought maybe I could put the way he was acting into the, "Oh he was just in theatre growing up" category or the "Maybe a feminine guy will understand me better as a woman" rationalization... But the more I sat on that date, the clearer it was that he would rather be on one with the cute guy behind the counter... No, he didn't actually flirt with the cute guy behind the counter, if you're wondering - at least not while I was there! The way he crossed his legs, the way he held his straw as he sipped his drink, and the tone of his voice were all very delicate, and I just did not get the vibe that this guy was into me (or into girls) at all.

Sweatpants Guy.  Generally, when I get ready for a date, I like to put a little effort into my appearance. I put some makeup on, I wear an outfit that I feel cute in, and I try to do something nice with my hair. While I don't expect makeup (I'd hope not) or elaborate hairstyling from my gentleman callers, I would at least like to know that they are excited enough about the date to put on some real pants. Tall order, right? That was not the case with Sweatpants Guy, as he showed up to the date wearing baggy grey sweats and a black hoodie, with his hair still a little damp from the shower he'd taken before we went out. I know we were just going out for coffee, but come on!! Have I mentioned that this guy was 35? He should have known better. Actually, he even mentioned his appearance, justifying it by saying that I seemed like a "cool enough girl not to mind." For the record, I was. So before you judge me for judging this guy based on what he wore, I would like to highlight the fact that I totally would have gone out with him again, but he never called. For that he is just Sweatpants Guy, now and forever.

What about you guys? Any other awkward coffee dates out there?

Chapter Four: Coffee Shop Guy

This next story is actually NOT about a guy I met online... We will call this one Ben. Ben the Barista - that's right, not only did I meet this guy in coffee shop, I met him behind the counter. Oddly enough, I actually had a crush on a different guy working in that particular establishment. I was a regular there, and I thought Ben was cute, but thought I liked this other guy a little more. I went in with a ploy to talk to him, chickened out, and somehow ended up with an offer from Ben to take me out instead. Since I lacked the confidence to make a move with the other one, I said yes - and besides, I really did think Ben was pretty cute too, so it wasn't a total loss. Or so I thought.

I agreed to meet Ben at his place so we could walk to a bar within "stumbling distance" for drinks... Looking back, this might already have been a red flag, but I was pretty excited to FINALLY hang out with a guy from my favorite coffee shop after crushing on several of them over the years, so I overlooked it. When I got there, however, there were a few things that I could not overlook. In a matter of minutes, my exciting date with a mysterious coffee barista became something very different.

First, he decided that he would rather have drinks at his house than at the bar... Okay, I thought. That's fine, right? Maybe he just wants to be able to talk.

Second, he informed me that he lived with his parents (uh oh) and that they were incredibly religious, so we would have to drink outside. In the park.
So we'll be one with nature - what's wrong with that? I must have really liked this guy.

Third, he casually slipped his ex-wife into conversation. I didn't know he had been married, or even how old he was, though I finally asked and found out that he was 28.

RECAP: 28, wanted to drink in the park, lived with parents, divorced. Was also a little stoned.


Should I have run for the hills? Yes.  Did I? No.

We had a couple of glasses of wine, talked a little about his marriage and the coffee shop (his only source of income, hence the living at home) and then he proceeded to show me his "art." Some of it was pretty good, and some of it was naked ladies. The naked ladies were not necessarily my cup of tea, but to each his own right? We talked for a little bit more after that and then I finally went home, a little dazed that the evening had gone SO differently than I had pictured it. Needless to say, I did not hang out with Ben the Barista after that. He asked, but I said that I was looking for something more serious and didn't want to tie him down so soon in his newly single state... Somewhat true, although mostly I just couldn't really see us having a future together. Can you blame me?

Chapter Three: Tourette's Guy.

As I mentioned in my intro, a couple of years ago I decided to try one of those free internet dating sites. I had never done anything like that before so I wasn't really sure what to expect, but I wasn't meeting anyone anywhere else and a hairstylist at the salon where I'd worked had met her boyfriend on the same site so I figured I'd give it a shot. When I filled out my profile, I did my best to answer the questions in ways that showcased my sarcastic nature. I wanted to sound funny, witty, and smart, so that I would attract someone with the same qualities. Most of the people who started messaging me were very strange, but one day I got an IM from someone who seemed very intriguing. He'd picked up on an obscure movie quote that had been overlooked by all of my other suitors, so I figured maybe he was worth talking to. 

Since this was my first time meeting someone from the internet, I was a little wary, and we talked for a long time before that was even an option. We exchanged countless e-mails about books, movies, music - most of all, music. It was a passion we both shared, and he even made me a mix CD for an upcoming trip I was taking. After that I decided that he was not, in fact, a crazy person - I was very wrong, but we'll get to that.

On our first date we went to see I Love You Man (great movie by the way) and, during the movie, I remember hearing these very strange noises coming from the seat next to me. He wasn't saying words, and he wasn't singing along to the movie's soundtrack, although at first I thought maybe that's what it was. It was more like short bursts of humming. "Hm. Hmm hm. Hm hm hm." Kind of like that - whatever it was, it was bizarre and I had NO idea what was going on. That happened intermittently throughout the movie; it wasn't constant and it wasn't incredibly loud, but it was often enough and loud enough for me to notice, and to wonder what on earth I had gotten myself into. 

After the movie, we went to a coffee shop to have some tea and talk, and during a break in the conversation, the noises came back. I wasn't sure what to say or how to ask about what was happening, so I think I just said something like, "You make cute noises," even though I thought they were more strange than anything else... Whatever it was I said, his response was, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and when I shook my head to indicate that no, he had not told me, he continued with, "I have tourette's!" 

Not wanting to be the girl who doesn't want a date a guy because he has Tourette's Syndrome, I put on my biggest smile and asked him about it - I had only ever heard of the kind where people shout obscenities so it was honestly all really interesting to me. In fact, once I knew what it was, I was more at ease and still had a great time on the rest of the date. In the end, it was not the Tourette's that ended my brief courtship with Tyler. No, it was probably the fact that our second date ended with him asking me to split the tab or pick up the check (a $17 dollar bill, by the way, which I paid) at a restaurant HE had chosen. Or maybe it was because his idea of a "romantic" date was watching a movie on my laptop in his car. Or maybe it was the fact that he couldn't understand why I didn't want to drive up to his area (an hour north of me) to hang out with him when I'd already made plans in mine, just because HIS weekend had fallen apart. Or maybe it was the seven-text-message-long rant I received when I told him I wasn't sure if we'd work out, outlining every woman who had hurt him in his life, calling me a "vapid shell of a girl he used to know" when we only actually hung out for a couple of weeks. Yeah, that happened.


What are some of YOUR crazy dating stories? I'd love to know I'm not alone here.

Chapter Two: The Do's (and Do Not's) of a First Date

Before I get into any actual date stories, I thought I'd share a helpful list of rules based on some of the more eventful (good and bad) first dates I have experienced. This goes out to you BOYS out there, but will probably also be entertaining to girls who've had similar trials and tribulations to mine.

So, guys, when it comes to a first date...

*DO pay.

It sucks, it's a double standard, and it's probably pretty outdated, but the fact is that paying on a first date is the chivalrous thing to do. It shows your date that her time is worth the cost of a cup of coffee, a meal, whatever. She'll probably offer to pay or at least split, but in my opinion the gentlemanly thing to do is refuse this offer and take care of it yourself. It might sound harsh, but it's the truth! Ask your girlfriend.

**DO NOT show off.

While opinions may vary on this one, I personally do not like feeling as though the guy I'm dating is putting on a show for me. This includes incredibly pricy dinners, or taking me somewhere incredibly exclusive just so I can see that you're "on the list," or ordering in another language to show how cultured you are. While these things would all probably be fine on the second or third or fourth date, it feels like too much pressure to "measure up" if it's on the first. I don't want to spend the whole date worrying that I don't bring enough to the table! 

*DO open her doors.

This goes along with that first rule up there. It's just chivalrous and gentleman-like and shows your girl that you respect her and want to treat her like a lady. You do, right?! If so, then it doesn't hurt to open up a door or two. Yes, we can open them ourselves and yes, this is also an outdated ritual, but you'd be surprised at how much such a small gesture can affect a date. 

**DO NOT open her blouse.

Since we're going with the gentlemanly theme here, I just want to say that trying to get into someone's pants on the first date is not something that generally leads to a relationship. As tempting as it might be, a little self control goes a long way toward showing a girl that you're into more than what's under her clothes. 

*DO observe basic table manners.

So, remember that scene in Beauty and the Beast where they are sitting down to dinner and the beast is learning how to use silverware? If you've never seen it, it's not a pretty sight. I once had a date who held his spoon pretty similarly to our four-legged friend, basically shoveling his food into his mouth, and that wasn't a pretty sight either. Obviously some food is already messy, but as little mess as possible is ideal for the first date.

**DO NOT observe other women.

Pretty self explanatory, guys. And as smooth as you probably think you are about sneaking a peek at the waitress or the group of hotties at the next table, we notice. Really.

*DO talk and listen.

This one just means that you boys should be capable of a decent, two-sided conversation where both people are engaged and interested in what is being said. No one word answers, no painfully awkward silences, no rambling on and on about yourself and your dog and your ex and your mom and your fantasy football league without asking her a single detail about herself. 

**DO NOT talk incessantly about your last relationship.

While holding a decent conversation is important, it is equally important that said conversation is not dominated by talk of your past relationship(s). If a girl is given the impression that you are already thinking about another woman on the very first date, let alone someone you've been intimate with, that doesn't set a good tone for the rest of your courtship. 

*DO go for the kiss... on the cheek. 

Even though I have been guilty of kissing on most a few of the first dates where I've felt a connection, I have found that I am always more drawn to the dates where this does NOT happen, especially if I felt there was a mutual attraction. A kiss on the cheek is perfect because it signals interest, but still keeps things PG until the two of you get to know one another a little better. 

**DO NOT go for a second date if you know you're not interested.

 This is actually one of my most important rules. As much as it sucks not to hear from a guy after one date, it sucks a lot more after two, especially if I was interested. If you know for a fact that there's no connection, then just leave it at one date. Of course if you're not sure if you like someone and feel like you need another date to test the waters then by all means, test away, but sometimes you just know it's not going anywhere... And if that's the case, please don't act like it is!

...And there you have it, folks. There are probably a million more "rules" I could share with you, but those are a few of the big ones, for me anyway.

Have any do's/do not's to add? I'd love to hear them!

Chapter One - The Introduction.

My very first blog post – such pressure! I feel like a good place to start would be to introduce myself and explain why I decided to start this whole deal in the first place. My name is Dallas, as you astute minds out there have probably figured out by now, and I am a single girl living in sunny southern California.

During the past few “unattached” (the nicer word for single) years, various friends and family have told me that I might want to try online dating since I wasn’t having too much luck meeting a boy in the normal way, i.e. bars and clubs. Actually, maybe I should rephrase. Meeting them was not the problem, it was the shortage of guys who were not a) completely weird and/or crazy, b) sex-crazed miscreants who only wanted to get into my pants, or c) incredibly cocky and full of themselves.

With all of the stigma that goes with dating on the internet, I was hesitant at first. What if I go on a date with someone who ends up being a serial killer or rapist? What if the guy’s pictures are incredibly old and inaccurate in comparison with what he actually looks like? What if I have this amazing connection with someone through the internet but when we meet in person the chemistry is more fizzle than sizzle? These and many more concerns were all running through my head but I ultimately thought, “Why not?” and started an account on a free site. When that didn’t go so well, I decided to do a paid one where they send you people they think you’d be compatible with.  Stuck through the three month trial and let it expire… Two years later, in the same boat as I was before, I thought I’d give a different paid site a try, this time on one where I was free to run searches for my various potential soul mates. Another three-month trial and a few new stories later, here I am.

In the following entries, I’ll talk about dates** who did/had all kinds of things: terrible table manners, planning our lives together on the first date, undisclosed personality disorders, strange tattoo explanations, awkward text message rejections, first dates that felt like 3^rd degree interrogations, and accusatory e-mails from undesirable suitors… And that’s just the beginning! I’ll probably throw in some posts about my life outside of the dating world from time to time and maybe even some dreams or aspirations here and there, but the main reason I started this was to share my online dating trepidations in hopes that there are girls out there as exasperated with it as I have become.


**As stated in my About Me section, names and some details will be changed to protect the daters.